Five years ago at this time I was preparing to move to a
foreign country to be a volunteer missionary. It was something I felt I was
meant to do and was extremely excited for the opportunity. I had no idea what
to expect and had all sorts of expectations all at once. There are parts of
that experience that I would not trade for anything including the friendships
formed, my Spanish language skills and my Arequipa family.
After I had been there about 8 months, my cousin Brandon
died tragically. It hit my entire family like a freight train and being isolated
from them made it worse. It was the first time I had experienced grief like
that and I suspect I will never fully recover. Amid my grief, I chose to stay
because I felt that was the right thing to do. I guess I figured that most people
don’t get to quit their jobs when they’re grieving, so I would keep going.
About six weeks later, something happened within our
organization that I considered extremely unfair and hurtful to someone on staff.
The boss man called and invited those of us who were upset to sit down for a
chat. I went to this meeting with the intention to voice my concern and ask
what the reasoning was for the action taken. I was greeted with contempt and
hostility- and I in turn responded with contempt and hostility. This person
accused me of “not liking him” (well, I definitely don’t now) and conspiring
against him (which I did not) and THEN used my grief against me saying he
thought I should leave the organization because my grief was dragging the team
down.
Brandon’s death was the worst moment of my life…that
conversation was the second.
I walked around for a
long time feeling like a failure, being angry and allowing that conversation to
define me. I felt hurt, betrayed and pissed off to the point of obsession.
My vision was so limited, as it tends to be when in the middle of
difficult times.
Well, it’s been four years and I still feel hurt but I am also incredibly thankful.
I am thankful that I can now see the light in dark places
because I survived that whole ordeal. I am thankful that I can share this story
and hold out hope to anyone who feels like the rug has been ripped from under
them. I am thankful for the things that would have happened differently (or not
at all) if my plans hadn’t been destroyed by that guy…
Like meeting my husband.
Yes, I am thankful.
